Recently, yet another mom friend called to tell me with horror that her son was found to be looking at pornography on the Web, and asked for my advice.
My friends are typically angry and disgusted in the wake of their discoveries. And that comes through to their young sons.
In contrast, my response is always along these lines: "Of course he was looking at pornography, and of course he was, well, seduced by it. In fact, that is exactly how he was designed - to be sexually aroused when viewing beautiful naked women. That he would want to do so is not perverted, or weird. Unlike us women, males are intensely visual creatures, and his desires are completely normal."
Shocked? Don't be. I hate pornography. It objectifies women. It degrades men because it separates sex from relationships. It completely distorts notions of what real women look like, not to mention their sexual desires. That, in turn, can impact a man's relationships.
We need to openly tell our sons, and daughters, all of this. (Here I'm focusing only on so-called "mainstream" pornography, not that involving children, violence, etc.)
Parents, don't be naive. Unlike when we were kids, explicit pornography is everywhere and only a computer click away. By all means, put filters on your computers. Just know that your sons will see it, are seeing it somewhere, anyway. And they are enticed by it. Period. Yes, your daughters will see it, too, of course, but they are just not as likely to find it highly erotic or to be entranced by it over time.
As I've counseled many mom friends, I think we make a mistake if we try to make our sons feel ashamed about their reactions. Moms, they aren't us. Rather, I think our approach to them should be something like, "Of course this interests you. This is exactly how you are designed. Don't be ashamed of that desire. You were made to find beautiful women sexually enticing, and the people making this base stuff know that. But, these images aren't good enough for you. That good desire you have will meet its greatest satisfaction with a real woman, when sex and relationship go together in marriage."
When there is a dad in the home or other trusted male in the family, he should take the lead. But I think it's helpful for moms to have a part in that dialogue, too.
