Ostaszewski: More animal forecasts

Last week Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog, predicted six more weeks of winter. My question is: when have we not had six more weeks of winter after February 2nd? Has spring ever started on February 3rd? What sort of scam are those guys in long coats and top hats running over there in Punxsutawney, Pa.?

Here is the long-term February weather forecast. It just happens to be the same as every other February forecast. It never changes. February will be cold with some snow followed by periods of more cold and more snow.

Professional meteorologists with their AMS certifications, green screens, weather models, and carefully practiced cheerful anchor banter must be jealous of Punxsutawney Phil. A giant burrowing rodent gets more attention predicting the weather for the one time of the year when even a rodent can't mess it up. And Phil doesn't have to fake enthusiasm, either.

Personally, I don't believe we have enough weather-predicting animals. Growing up in Arizona people there tried to have their own version of Punxsutawney Phil. It was a rattlesnake and had a name like Rangy the Rattlesnake or something ridiculous. It would crawl out from under its rock on February 2nd and slither around doing God knows what a snake could possibly do to predict the weather.

It was lame. We're talking about a part of the country where highs in the 60s is considered the dead of winter.

We need animals that can predict real, useful weather. If Rangy came out from under its rock in August and predicted if there would be six more weeks of 100-plus degree days or not, then Phoenix would be on to something.

Perhaps California could have Muddy the Mountain Ram predicting if California will have six more weeks of mud slides or not. And his buddy, Charred the Coyote, could predict how much longer wildfire season will last.

There could be Gulfy the Seagull predicting how many more hurricanes the Gulf Coast will endure. And of course the states bordered by the Mississippi River could have Bubbles the Beaver predicting how many more floods residents can expect.

All of this would of course enhance America's image internationally as a nation that is relying more and more on its animals when planning for the future, instead of science and reason.

We could branch out from weather, too, and have Stocky the Stubborn Mule predicting the stock market. And Grumpy the Gnu predicting our nation's quarterly GDP.

If we plan it right, barely a day would go by when some animal somewhere in America wouldn't be coming out of its hole, den or cage and making some prediction.

The Today Show and the other morning shows could carry live coverage of the event. Eventually, foreigners would start thinking of America as being quaint. Like Ireland. Or Vermont.

If we got this going it would absolutely confuse Osama bin Laden, who recently took an interest in global warming by blaming it on the United States. But quaint countries don't cause global warming. I'm glad, though, to see that a guy living in a cave is taking an interest in the environment. Just don't expect him out with Greenpeace protesting whale hunting anytime soon.

Actually, bin Laden reminds me of Punxsutawney Phil a little. Periodically he emerges from his cave and predicts several more weeks of terrorism warnings. Then he slinks back inside and we kind of forget about him until the next
time.

All of this is my extremely roundabout way of saying that February is a long month even with having the fewest days. Going back to the first groundhog day, people seem to have been looking for some loophole to bypass February and get to March as quickly as possible.

February alone is reason enough to take up a winter sport, like drinking. Or curling. Which reminds me; this year at least we have the Olympics to look forward to. That's something interesting to follow and entertain us while waiting for spring.

Also, baseball players report to spring training by the end of the month. I wonder who Changeup, the baseball predicting Chipmunk, forecasts to win the World Series this fall?

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