"Twilight" - now here's a film you can sink your teeth into, that is if you're a sucker for bloodsuckers, particularly the hunky, brooding variety.
Considering the rabid popularity of the Stephenie Meyer's book series on which the movie is based, the loud, slurping sound you hear is the noise of legions of fans lapping up this cinematic brew and demanding seconds and thirds. The satiation point of this film among teens, tweens and young women may know no bounds.
The general moviegoer, however, may ask what all the fuss is about. The plot of "Twilight" is simple enough. A young girl of divorced parents, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) moves from sunny Phoenix, Ariz., to cloudy Forks, Wash., to live with her father after her mother remarries. At her new high school, the incredibly introspective Bella meets the impossibly handsome Edward Cullen (British actor Robert Pattinson). After the standard rough start, they became an item. Complicating matters slightly is that Edward is a vampire.
What's a hemoglobin-gobbling ghoul to do? He really wants to suck all the blood out of Bella but he loves her too much to initiate her into the society of the undead. His dilemma gets magnified by the fact that Bella is madly in love with him and would do anything to stay in love with him.
So does Edward bite Bella or doesn't he? You don't need to study Freud to see the sexuality implicit in all of this. Most vampire films have incorporated this sexual tension. "Twilight" just adds teenage angst. A lot of teenage angst. This film has so much teenage angst the concessions stand would make a mint selling Zoloft at screenings.
Revelation time. As an adult male, I can boldly state that this film isn't meant for me. Yet does that mean it can't register with me? Perhaps. The intensity of a girl's first crush is foreign territory for a guy who was clueless as an adolescent and who hasn't picked up many clues over the years.
So the more important question is, will the fan base be pleased? That may depend on the fervor they have for the material. Will they be bothered by Stewart's one-note performance? She's certainly passionate enough, she's certainly strong-willed enough, she's certainly angst-ridden enough. But how about cracking one smile? Emitting one laugh? How about any indication that she doesn't long to be morose to you?
I guess there are girls - and boys - who go through their teenage years suffering the slings and arrows of hormonal misfortune and I guess there are boys - and girls - who can relate and find this all-consuming anxiety attractive. It just gets a bit much after awhile. The script by Melissa Rosenberg ("Step Up") includes more upbeat characters but any semblance of humor to offset the doom and gloom is lacking.
For his part, Pattinson doesn't exercise his grin muscles much either. Of course, he has a pretty good reason to be depressed. For starters, his lips are redder than Bella's. Oh, and he doesn't like being a blood-sucking monster.
The film's director, Catherine Hardwicke, is certainly no stranger to angst as her resume includes "Thirteen," a far superior teen movie. Thank goodness some drama breaks up the perpetual pouting.
While Edward and his family don't feast on human blood - they're kinder, gentler vampires who suck up to animals - a trio of visiting vampires shows no such restraint. Devoured corpses start showing up in Forks, much to the dismay of Bella's father who happens to be the city's police chief. Suffice it to say that Bella doesn't tell dad that the love of her life is a vampire. "But he's a good ghoul, daddy." Maybe that line will appear in the inevitable sequels.
Anyway, Bella's life soon gets imperiled when one of these nasty vampires sets his sights on her. Think Edward will come to her rescue?
As in the book, the movie includes a baseball game with the Cullen clan demonstrating jumping skills to snare line drives that would put NBA skywalkers to shame.
Don't expect that scene to draw in the male audience. They like their vampires with fangs - no fangs here. They like their vampires to melt in the sunlight - these vampires only get diamond-sparkly skin. They like their vampires killed with stakes through the heart. These vampires have to get torn apart and burned. Now that's cool but the film skirts around showing such destruction. This is a PG-13 film targeted at girls, not the blood and guts crowd.
Readers should know that I do have a weakness for star-crossed romances. The original "Romeo and Juliet" turns me into a blubbering mess. I also love vampire movies. "Twilight," however, left me colder than Dracula trolling for trollops in an arctic freeze.
But the fans will likely beg to differ. This movie, made for paltry $37 million, should be a box-office gold mine with comparisons to the "Harry Potter" films bound to surface. Interestingly, Pattinson first made a name for himself as Cedric Diggory in this series. The "Potter" films appealed to a wider audience, though. To give "Twilight" a chance, the first two "Potter" films weren't very good either. Maybe "Twilight" will shine brighter by the time the fourth book gets made into a movie.
"Twilight" opens Friday, Nov. 21. Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli; Rated PG-13 (for some violence and a scene of sensuality); 122 minutes; Directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
