Most parents today are psychologically sophisticated enough to know that their anger—and even stress—can have negative effects on their children.
What mother or father hasn’t longed for days of yesteryear, when things seemed more black and white? When “no” was “no” and punishments, even corporal, were delivered unflinchingly. Many parents can’t do that as easily today. There is too much education out there, and too much knowledge.
Take our knowledge about “communication” for example. We know that it is important to be able to communicate well with our children and for them to be open with us. Children should be allowed to voice their opinions and be able to say “no.” But at what point is that license considered “talking back?” These nuances, of open conversation versus potential disobedience create a huge gray zone for what is actually permissible in the relationship.
Gray zones are like foggy roads. It’s hard to see our way clearly. We worry that we may hit something and feel anxious. When it comes to our children, we are often on this foggy road. Particularly when it comes to getting angry with them, we become very anxious that we may do damage.
It would be so nice to get off this foggy road and to stop worrying about whether our children will do well, whether we are doing right by them, and how we could do better. It would be so nice to wave a magic wand and lift the fog, dispel all the concern and anxiety, and replace it with all the time in the world for enjoyment, gratitude, and aromatherapy.
But we can’t. So we have to figure out instead: How can we enjoy our greater emotional sophistication, knowledge, and openness without suffering at the hands of the anxiety and guilt that that same knowledge can create?
Well, anxiety is like steam in a kettle. It has to find a way out. Staying consistently calm, cool, and collected may be the most advisable parenting technique in the face of anger, but it really does not provide enough emotional release for an anxious parent who is probably experiencing an extremely high-tension moment on a foggy road.
Here are a few ideas for how to release tension, anger, and anxiety in ways that could prevent later regret.
·Give yourself permission to raise your voice beyond speaking tones. If you don’t like to do this, remember that children do not necessarily benefit from being raised by neutral automatons that sometimes unexpectedly blow up.
As soon as they reach the age of three, children need to learn (and where better than at home) how to manage people who consistently let them know if they are upset and discomfited by their behavior. Consider it training in resilience.
·Try to steer clear of character attacks when expressing anger. Character attacks can occur when parents are conflicted about their anger and therefore need to justify it defensively. This can sound like “don’t you see how lazy, irresponsible, stupid, slow, out-of-it [fill in the blank] you are?” Try not to beg your child to see things your way when they resist you.
·Focus angry words on the bad behavior of the moment. Say things like: “You did not do what I asked again” or, “How many times have I told you not to __?”
If and when they should talk back, use your forceful voice to spell out in increasing detail exactly what they did wrong and exactly what you expect instead.
·Remember: Conscious awareness of your anger does not automatically imply that you truly accept it in yourself. When you truly accept it in yourself, your expression of anger may attain a measure of dignity and have a greater impact. A parent who can truly accept his or her own anger as well as how enraging his or her child can be will be able to become angry without also having to feel crazy.
·Try to adopt the perspective that anger is a good and useful feeling. It is one of our best emotional alerts for most problems. The test that you are truly OK with your anger is this: When your children sulk around because you have had to set a consequence, you do not immediately remove it out of guilt for having been so angry.
·Study the times and ways you may be allergic to anger (most people experience a range of mild to severe allergies). Even moderate allergies to anger can lead to your being conflicted about expressing it, or to resenting your child for arousing it in you. Conflict or resentment can create additional frustration and tension. In fact, this could be what potentially puts you over the edge and cause you to “lose it.”
·Study the effects of your anger not only on yourself but also on your child.
Some children are thin-skinned and may become a little withdrawn, anxious, or agitated after their parent gets angry. They may need more help accepting your anger and learning to process it—and holding on to the feeling, as they are being severely admonished, that they are also loved, cherished, and respected. Other children can move directly into improving their behavior.
I encourage any parents who have found themselves on that vicious cycle of losing it and then telling themselves they need to stay cool and calm, to get off that endless treadmill. Aspiring to unreachable goals leads only to focusing on one’s shortcomings.
A more positive and effective approach is to brainstorm new ways of releasing your tension and anger in ways that feel acceptable to you and your child. That, more than anything, is what can make or break your chances of transforming problematic anger into an energy that can begin to serve your family well.
Claudia Luiz, Ed.M., Cert. Psya., LMHC #6053, is a psychoanalyst in private practice with offices in Brookline and Westwood. She works with children, adults, couples and groups. She can be reached at cluiz@post.harvard.edu, at 617-947-4838 or via her Web site at www.claudialuiz.com.
