One of the most worthwhile things we can do in life is to figure out how to feel worthwhile. There is nothing like the feeling that you are worthwhile. It adds a bounce to your day, improves your interactions with almost anyone, and makes even the most mundane tasks seamlessly doable.
When you don’t feel worthwhile, it can really make you grumpy. This is because you don’t think you deserve much. You don’t actually walk around saying to yourself, “I don’t think I deserve much” but you certainly don’t expect a lot from anything or anyone. This can make your interactions with people and events frustrating and tedious.
When people start to feel more worthy, they generally have “a-ha!” moments and they realize that they don’t expect enough, maybe because they don’t feel they deserve it. If they keep on that track and start giving themselves more positive experiences, they can often come to genuinely experience people and events as more interesting and satisfying.
The most significant reason people are usually unable to feel more worthy is that they harbor a lot of negative feelings like anger, irritation, hurt, envy, disinterest, stress or impatience, for starters. When people have some or all of these feelings a lot of the time, they can’t seem to make the decision to like themselves more. It is almost a reflex reaction: negative feeling = lack of feeling of worthiness.
So we have this terrible catch-22 situation. We don’t feel worthwhile - and this creates more negative feelings - which then interfere with feeling worthwhile. What a terrible human dilemma. It’s a terrible dilemma because realistically speaking, we can’t get rid of negative feelings any more than we can get rid of our arms or legs or ears or noses. They are part of our constitutional make-up and they are here to stay, for some more than others.
Of course, many people work very hard to get rid of negative feelings, and I think, when you are feeling worthwhile, strategies to feel happier and let go of misery are a very good idea. Unfortunately, trying to get rid of negative feelings when you don’t feel completely worthwhile sends the clear message to your brain that you really want to get rid of parts of yourself. You cannot come to feel more worthwhile if you are trying to get rid of yourself.
Of course, some people do develop split personalities. These people manage to successfully split off parts of themselves so that at least some of the personalities can feel worthwhile. But although it works for them, I wouldn’t recommend it. Generally speaking, it is better to feel whole.
Today’s adults are expected to have a lot of psychological awareness – to know everything we are doing wrong, to know all the ways we were psychologically neglected or abused by our parents, and all the ways our partners disappoint us and alienate us. We have all this awareness, often without having been taught how to manage it. The awareness, without further education as to how to deal with it, can create a lot of depression and anxiety, which, being negative feelings can interfere with feeling worthwhile.
But this country is on a phenomenal trajectory of working towards spiritual well-being. Eckhard Tolle’s work, for example, espoused by Oprah to millions worldwide on her Internet workshop, helps us to awaken to the possibility that we do not have to be dominated by negative emotional constructs. Our political system is opening up to new faces and emotional dynamics. It is becoming increasingly more acceptable to go to a therapist to sort out feelings.
In the microcosm of your own life, study your own feelings of worthiness or worthlessness. By all means, make the decision to feel more worthwhile. Do not force yourself to do it. Just make the decision and then see what happens.
Claudia Luiz, Ed.M., Cert. Psya., LMHC #6053, is a psychoanalyst in private practice with offices in Brookline and Westwood. She works with children, adults, couples and groups. She can be reached at cluiz@post.harvard.edu, at 617-947-4838 or via her Web site at www.claudialuiz.com.
