I sometimes get the feeling that I’m not a very good therapist and that I should go back to school for another 15 years because I can be so disappointing when people come to me, stuck with a problem, and I can’t come up with a good solution. And it’s happening more and more; increasingly, there is little I can say that people haven’t already thought of or heard before.
Worse than that, let’s say I do accidentally stumble upon advice that’s new to someone. Even then, there’s absolutely no guarantee that it will actually help. I have come to realize that problems remain challenging not for lack of good advice.
Even this is not an original idea; everyone has had a problem that can’t get solved despite knowing all the facts and probable solutions.
What a problem can’t get solved, it’s usually because of an underlying conflict. Conflict leaves people feeling torn, stuck, and indecisive. If you have a conflict, you can’t move ahead in any one direction. Something mysterious always pulls you back.
Friends or family members can get very aggravated and annoyed and impatient when a seemingly cut and dry decision can’t be made. Conflict is very, very difficult to comprehend.
Asking someone to take a position when he or she has a conflict is almost like asking a mother to decide between two of her children. She can’t do it, even if one of them is obviously smarter or better than the other.
The thing to remember is that eventually, one or both of those children will grow up and hopefully, go away. This is exactly how it should work with a difficult conflict: a decision should come from the heart, naturally, when the time is right, and not be forced, impossibly, from the head.
People usually spend copious amounts of time, when they have a conflict, fruitlessly working and re-working their extensive lists of logical pros and cons. I wish, at those times, that people could have an “aha” moment and say to themselves “Oh, my – I have a conflict!” Then, they could temporarily shelve their logical lists and get on with the business of evolving.
Evolving happens naturally. Here is an example. A successful woman was offered a high-powered executive position. She absolutely could not decide what to do, despite weeks and weeks of extensive pro and con list making, in and outside of her therapy sessions.
After the third week, she came to her session and commented on the nice weather. After some silence, this led to tears. Then, she remembered how humiliating it was, as an overweight teen, to have to switch to more revealing summer clothes when the weather got nice.
After this session, she came back to therapy with a happy announcement: she had decided to take the job. Her decision was not based, particularly, on the pros outweighing the cons. Somehow, she was no longer afraid of high “exposure” in this new job. Once her secret, overwhelming fears of humiliation were spoken, they loosened their grip on her. She was free.
There is no formula for how long it takes to resolve a conflict much less unearth it. The world of emotions is not cut and dry like the world of logic; it’s murky. It requires patience. It can be frustrating and disappointing for all.
If you are ever faced with a decision you can’t seem to make, try to remember that you may have a conflict brewing. Then, put your list of logical pros and cons aside for a while. Take out a blank sheet of paper or schedule a session where you can talk freely. Write, or talk, without thinking; free-associate.
Don’t work to take a position; wait for the right solution to make itself known to you. Eventually, it will.
Claudia Luiz, Ed.M., Cert. Psya., LMHC #6053, is a psychoanalyst in private practice with offices in Brookline and Westwood. She works with children, adults, couples and groups. She can be reached at cluiz@post.harvard.edu, at 617-947-4838 or via her Web site at www.claudialuiz.com.
